I woke up at 6 am today. I am on holiday with my family along with my husband who I haven’t met in the last 12 weeks. My first instinct was to jank him out of his sleep and ask him to come with me to eat and I am on US timezone and unusually hungry right in the morning but seeing his sleepy, snoring and beautifully peaceful face, I decided to let him be and after about 90 mins of indecisiveness ventured out with my headphones to see Kuala Lumpur with some money I stole from his wallet and my headphones.

As I walked about the streets, I was reflecting about my 10 years of being married and it hit me that in the last 2-4 years where both he and I took international jobs, stayed away in London and San Francisco and away from the families we were born or married in, we both had the most growing up in our lives.. probably more than the preceding 30 + years.

My growth in particular was in the area of keeping my mouth shut. Might seem simple to some of you but I was a weird kid. I believed that the only way to make my presence felt in the world was to be its mirror. Let everyone know wrong from right, challenge opinions regardless of the topic and be a force of nature on everyone and everything and I was mighty successful there.. one of the most divisive people and someone who would always create waves wherever I went.

It benefited me tremendously in being recognised as a true “force of nature” And a “lightning rod” as it reflected many a times in my performance reviews and in the eyes of my proud parents and husband but it also siloed me. I didn’t have many friend, I was a polarising force wherever I went and I was generally either loved or hated and when had that been good for anyone. Thankfully I have never wanted company or known loneliness. I am a very contented happy person who is always aware of the effect they have on people.

Growing up in the last 2 years, I have observed myself to be happier, more peaceful and more in oneness in the world where I have sometimes kept my mouth shut. It is hard sometimes when you know that you are being misunderstood, misrepresented or disbelieved but then are all my battles worth fighting?

As I sit to eat my yummy breakfast all alone, I acknowledge that today I appreciate introverts more than I have ever done in my life. I am beginning to see the power of letting go, the power of interjecting when needed and the energy conservation you can have by the simple pursing of your lips when you get the urge to comment.

Growing up, I have learnt to live in Grey. I don’t love it but I am beginning to appreciate it so much that I want to be able to master it. It is okay to be who you are inside, it doesn’t matter what people think or say or believe. It’s who you are inside that matters… Bumper sticker quotes for the most part but when you begin to practice, it is truly mind blowing.

Maybe being one with the universe if truly better than standing out or maybe it is a bit of both. God only knows.

Till later!